Follow Up to Recent Posts

So I broke down and let her choose her own gift.

EPIC FAIL

As I sit here, Lucifera is at her parents' house, I am sure telling them what an evil, heartless bastard she married. This was a big one, the kind of fight dreams are made of. And what was this about? Her fucking Christmas present. Yeah, you read that right, two grown adults fighting over a gift. But here's the deal, we were not fighting over something like her wanting something and I said no or anything like that. This fight was over me not telling her what I was getting her. It went a little something like this:

Lucifera: "So I will give you my Christmas list tomorrow"

Me: "That's alright I already know what I am getting you***"

Lucifera: "Well what is it?"

Me: "You will see on Christmas"

Lucifera: "NO, I want to know now, what if I don't want it?"

Me: "Well, then you can return it.....just like you have all the other gifts I have given you"

After that it was just pretty much like Ali-Frasier. I should have known this from the beginning, control freaks just don't get better. The first Christmas together when we were dating, she gave me a list of about 5 things she wanted and told me specifically that she didn't expect me to get her all of the things on the list. I bought her items three and four along with several other items that I thought she might like. HUGE MISTAKE. It was that night that I was instructed that gift lists are made in order of importance and if you are only getting two things you get numbers 1 and 2. So began a pattern of returning every gift I have given her.

Now, one thing you have to understand, I pride myself on gift giving. To give an example, my sister had a favorite song that I remembered from when I was a little kid. The song was very poignant for a time in her life a few years ago so for her 40th birthday I actually was able to get her handwritten lyrics autographed by the artist. The bottom line is, I put thought into gifts. So when I spend hours at Tiffany & Co. picking out a necklace, earrings or bracelet, I would like to hear a thank you, not "ohhh.......thanks, umm its nice and all, but......."

Whatever, maybe she just wants another helping of my soul.

***while not relevant to this post I was going to get her a new digital camera. She needs a new one because she lost her old one. We went away with some friends and went to a club. Before we went to the club she says, "Should I bring my camera out?" I say, "Probably not, we hardly ever take pictures and we will be drinking, better just leave it here" Well she brought it, took two pictures then set it down on the bar and it walked off in short order. While I know I am not always right.....

Texts from Marriage

First off, if you have not visited www.textsfromlastnight.com you need to, ASAP. While it mostly makes you wonder why your college experience was not so colorful, occasionally it is very poignant.

Today was one such day, here is the post in question:

(619): She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?

Little does this annoying fucktard know, he just described marriage. I knew I wasn't the only one out there who got the question wrong even before it was asked. But I do have some advice for Mr. (619) wherever he may be:

SHE WON'T FUCKING CHANGE. If she nags chances are you are going to want to rip your own arm just to have something to throw at her in a few years. Get a fucking helmet moron.

Why God? why?

GREAT MOMENTS IN MARITAL HISTORY

Who has made the best move in the history of marriage?

No, its not Brad and Angelina.....it's Robyn, you know Robyn Gibson? Wife of the Roadwarrior? She filed for divorce and received what could only be described as the ultimate lottery ticket. That has really nothing to do with today's post, I just overheard it in conversation and was shocked to learn that she would ever want to divorce him:

Also, we here at hisbitterness were happy to be the first to get a photo of Mel after seeing Robyn's first settlement demand:

While I did not intend to attack Robyn, I couldn't help but think of the length of the marriage and say, well yeah, they should be done. It's those damn opposable thumbs that caused this mess. I explain: humans are not meant to live as long as we do. Through science, we have really expanded the life expectancy of ourselves to the point where we can no longer stand each other. No wonder people are getting divorced, it's not in our DNA to stay together for longer than a few years.

The first marital laws we have can be traced back to hammurabi's code which was set down around 1760 bc or so. Thus marriage has been around for almost 4,000 years. Now when you do a little research, you will see that during that time period, people lived to be about 30 years old on average. Anyone can do that kind of time with a spouse they can't stand. Hell if I knew the sweet release of death was lurking just around the corner, I wouldn't be so miserable. Now when we are living well into our 70s on average, we are expected to spend all of that time with one person, wholet's just face facts, most of us cannot stand.

Oh well, at least I don't have a billion dollars to lose like Mel.

One last thought in my life I have had the following:

1. Drivers license;

2. Fishing license;

3. Hunting License;

4. License to Purchase a gun;

5. License to practice my profession in this and other states;

6. Marriage License

All but one of them have an expiration date, why is that?

O.B.W.

Today we are welcoming what I hope will become a feature to this blog. It's called O.B.W. or other bitchy wives. This is were I will share stories that my friends have told me about the vicious life sucking bitches they married or of those I discover on the interwebs. Today is the latter.

Some of you may have heard of the blog myhusbandisannoying.com. This is where some enterprising young X chromosome blogs about her terrible husband, but don't you worry, she sure does love him! This asshat just mocks everything about the poor schlub who took it upon himself to save up his cash, buy her a big ol' diamond ring just so he could have the pleasure of supporting her for the rest of his life. I say his life, of course, because there is not justice in this world; he will assuredly die before her. Now some of you are thinking that this is all good natured fun and is not met to hurt him? Oh really? What if he started a blog concentrating on the 25 pounds she put on at the wedding reception? Yeah, that is about as annoying as acting like a robot or a green sweater. In fact, it is a little more annoying, I mean I am sure he takes the sweater off every so often, which is more than can be said for the average newlywed 25.

No this is not some cutesy, tongue-in-cheek in cheek blog with an interesting twist on the battle of the sexes. This is a full on attack on men and the ever present quest some women have to change us to your own personal Ken dolls. You met a caveman, dated a caveman and married a caveman, and now you expect him to be that floppy haired English douche Hugh Grant. Sorry, even Hugh Grant doesn't want to be Hugh Grant, see?

And yes, Assholes, I too know the definition of irony, yes I am attacking her on a blog dedicated to attacking my evil wife. Note, however, the differences:

1. She attempts to cover up her penis envy with cute anecdotes; I don't.

2. She tells you she really loves her hubby and is really just kidding; I have made no such ridiculous claims.

3. She lets you know who she and her husband are; I prefer to hate in relative anonymity.

I guess I shouldn't complain too much though, like all housewives, this fun vacuum will get distracted by something shiny and the blog will slowly disappear. After all, aren't there like 8 hours of soaps on tv everyday?

from a friend and fan of the hottest new blog around

Quick Update

She still sucks

WTF?

Normal human interaction between husband and wife:

Wife: "Honey would you mind doing the dishes for me?"

Husband "Not a problem, as soon as the game is over"

Wife "Thank You"

Interaction between myself and Lucifera:

Lucifera: "Do the dishes."

Me: "Sure thing, as soon as the game is over."

Lucifera: "No, do them now."

Me: "There's only 5 minutes left in the fourth quarter."

Lucifera: "Like I care, do them now."

Me: "Can I ask why it matters if they are done now or in five minutes when the game is over, especially since they are all from your baking for your friends and have sat there for a week?"

Lucifera: "You're an asshole."

[five minutes of silence while she pouts and I watch the end of the game, then I start doing the dishes]

Lucifera: "You're not using the dishwasher are you?"

Me: "Of course I am, why wouldn't I?"

Lucifera: "Because it's lazy and it leaves spots on the dishes"

Me: "Well I am not hand washing all these dishes when we have a perfectly good dishwasher, especially when I did not dirty any of them."

Lucifera: "Lazy asshole!"

There you have it folks, do the dishes or don't do the dishes, you're still an asshole in my wofe's book.

P.S. even when I hand wash the dishes, I am told I do that wrong too, more on that later.

Exhibit A

So what is the first fucking thing that makes me such a miserable fucking prick?

I'll take "Marriage" for $200 Alex...

Ok, its not marriage that I despise with the white hot passion of a thousand burning suns, it's the person I chose to enter this "institution" with. You see, a married a bitch. Websters defines a bitch as follows:

Pronunciation: \ˈbich\

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English bicche, from Old English bicce

Date: before 12th century

1 : the female of the dog or some other carnivorous mammals
2 a : a lewd or immoral woman b : a malicious, spiteful, or overbearing woman —sometimes used as a generalized term of abuse
3 : something that is extremely difficult, objectionable, or unpleasant

While I normally cant tell you who I hate more than Merriam or Webster, those dicks are certainly accurate when it comes the alleged fairer sex. It's true, I married the devil's matron.

You see, when you are getting married, everyone jokes. The married ones tell you misery loves company. The single ones tell you you're crazy. The problem is they say this to everyone. Not just the people that need it. It's only when you say "what the fuck did you let me do" that they say told ya so. First you think back and think to yourself that they were joking, and it is then, it is only then, at that very instance you see the the eternal truth of comedy "it's funny because it's true"

When walking down the aisle, we all think that we are going to be some modernized version of Leave it to Beaver. You know, cozy house, white picket fence, the 2.5 kids. I thought that. I ended up with this:

Yup, you see, I married the wrong person, really wrong. Why did you do that you ask? Well for a number of very intimate personal reasons that I am not going to get into at this moment (maybe after a few scotches). Suffices to say, I married re-bound girl.

So that's the first thing that makes me miserable. By the way, we have all seen those disgusting dripping love fest wedding videos, where the cutesy couple dances into the wedding chapel or really throws a monkey wrench into that first dance with a hip hop mashup. I didn't have anything to do with this, but I wish I had.

The Story of His Bitterness

So here it is in a nutshell, I was out on my Harley the other day with a friend. It was a little chilly, but we went anyway. Two others were supposed to join us but bailed. So it was just me and my buddy riding some back roads here in the Northeast.

I am going to let the uninitiated in on a little secret, when you are on a bike, you are alone with your thoughts. Depending on who you are; this can be a liberating experience. For me, on this day, it was terrifying and in fact, inspired this blog. So here I was, riding along on a machine many people can't afford, in one of the nicest (read most expensive) places to live in the country, and I come to the realization....I am FUCKING miserable.

I am thirty years old, I work in a very respectable and well paying job, I have a few pets, the perfect life right? Nope, wrong, incorrect.....FUCKING MISERABLE.

So this is what this blog is about; fixing that. But you can't fix a problem till you know its source. So we will take what is a (I hope) entertaining look at what makes me miserable and see what we can do about that.

Stay tuned