WTF?

Normal human interaction between husband and wife:

Wife: "Honey would you mind doing the dishes for me?"

Husband "Not a problem, as soon as the game is over"

Wife "Thank You"

Interaction between myself and Lucifera:

Lucifera: "Do the dishes."

Me: "Sure thing, as soon as the game is over."

Lucifera: "No, do them now."

Me: "There's only 5 minutes left in the fourth quarter."

Lucifera: "Like I care, do them now."

Me: "Can I ask why it matters if they are done now or in five minutes when the game is over, especially since they are all from your baking for your friends and have sat there for a week?"

Lucifera: "You're an asshole."

[five minutes of silence while she pouts and I watch the end of the game, then I start doing the dishes]

Lucifera: "You're not using the dishwasher are you?"

Me: "Of course I am, why wouldn't I?"

Lucifera: "Because it's lazy and it leaves spots on the dishes"

Me: "Well I am not hand washing all these dishes when we have a perfectly good dishwasher, especially when I did not dirty any of them."

Lucifera: "Lazy asshole!"

There you have it folks, do the dishes or don't do the dishes, you're still an asshole in my wofe's book.

P.S. even when I hand wash the dishes, I am told I do that wrong too, more on that later.

Exhibit A

So what is the first fucking thing that makes me such a miserable fucking prick?

I'll take "Marriage" for $200 Alex...

Ok, its not marriage that I despise with the white hot passion of a thousand burning suns, it's the person I chose to enter this "institution" with. You see, a married a bitch. Websters defines a bitch as follows:

Pronunciation: \ˈbich\

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English bicche, from Old English bicce

Date: before 12th century

1 : the female of the dog or some other carnivorous mammals
2 a : a lewd or immoral woman b : a malicious, spiteful, or overbearing woman —sometimes used as a generalized term of abuse
3 : something that is extremely difficult, objectionable, or unpleasant

While I normally cant tell you who I hate more than Merriam or Webster, those dicks are certainly accurate when it comes the alleged fairer sex. It's true, I married the devil's matron.

You see, when you are getting married, everyone jokes. The married ones tell you misery loves company. The single ones tell you you're crazy. The problem is they say this to everyone. Not just the people that need it. It's only when you say "what the fuck did you let me do" that they say told ya so. First you think back and think to yourself that they were joking, and it is then, it is only then, at that very instance you see the the eternal truth of comedy "it's funny because it's true"

When walking down the aisle, we all think that we are going to be some modernized version of Leave it to Beaver. You know, cozy house, white picket fence, the 2.5 kids. I thought that. I ended up with this:

Yup, you see, I married the wrong person, really wrong. Why did you do that you ask? Well for a number of very intimate personal reasons that I am not going to get into at this moment (maybe after a few scotches). Suffices to say, I married re-bound girl.

So that's the first thing that makes me miserable. By the way, we have all seen those disgusting dripping love fest wedding videos, where the cutesy couple dances into the wedding chapel or really throws a monkey wrench into that first dance with a hip hop mashup. I didn't have anything to do with this, but I wish I had.